[montessori] | dealing with tantrums (iv bookmark de "the montessori toddler" simone davies) OzSo 22:53

when a toddler has a tantrum, they are communicating that something did not go their way. they are having a hard time. they may have done something wrong, but right now, the first thing to do is help them calm down.

(...) we can offer them a cuddle; we don't assume that they want one. some children like to be cuddled to help them calm down. some children will push us away. if they push us away we make sure they are safe and we can offer them a cuddle when they are calm.

we are saying it's okay for them to melt down. rather than trying to get the tantrum to stop as soon as possible, allow them to express all their feelings safely until they are calm, and show that we are there to help if they need us. and, once they are calm, we can help make amends if needed.

should i ignore a tantrum?

[i don't agree] ignoring the tantrum directs our child's feelings at us instead of at the problem that upset them. it creates a conflict just when they need connection.

calm and kind acceptance encourages them to express their feelings. over time, they will find healthier forms of expression, but htey will not be scared to share their feelings with us because they will knwo that we are capable of being kind and calm even when they have feelings that are big and scary.

reconnecting once they are calm

"wow, was that difficult for you? you really didn't seem to like that. you looked furious."

helping them make amends — DON'T SKIP THIS STEP

restorative justice ("how can we make this better?") is preferable to punishment (taking something away).

UNDERSTAND TRIGGERS AND AVOID THEM IF POSSIBLE

frustration

anger or rage when things don't go their way

wanting to be in control

trouble communicating as their language may still be limited

HELP YOUR CHILD CALM DOWN

offer a cuddle—rub their back, hold them, sing to them as they go through the range of emotions, from anger to intense frustration to sadness and sometimes regret.

if they are throwing toys at their siblings or trying to hit you, remove them aso that everyone is safe. "i can't let you hit me. my safety is important to me. would you like to hit these pillows instead?"

(...) 

OBSERVING THE BEHAVIOUR

time

changes

activity

other children

emotion being expressed— just before it happens, how do they look? playful? frustrated? confused?

environment

adults— how do we respond? do we bring additional anxiety to the situation?

***

SKILLS FOR INTROVERTED TODDLERS

first of all accept them for who they are.

then, from this place of acceptance, we can see things from their perspective and offer understanding. acknowledge their feelings.

it can help to prepare them in advance for situations that might make them nervous by giving them an idea of what to expect.

if our child takes some time to warm up in social situations, allow them to stand by us and observe the scene until they are ready to join in. we don't need to give them any special attention or make it a big deal. we can carry on our adult conversation; the child will drift off once they are ready.

we can help our child build skills that will empower them, so that they don't feel like they cannot handle certain situations.

practicing in less confrontational situations, such as handing over the money in a shop or ordering a drink in a cafe. we will be there to support them if needed. "would you be able to say that a little louder? if looks liek the waiter can't hear you."

practicing easy phrases they can use to be assertive. for example, "stop. i don't like that."

showing them how to use their body language, such as putting their hands on their hips if someone has done something they don't like.

as adults, it is also useful to remember to check in with any child before we handle them, particularly if they are not our child. we can check with them before we give them a hug ("would you like a hug?" rahter thatn "give me a hug!"), tell a young toddler we are going to pick them up and get their consent before handling them, and ask if they'd like hep beofre we do something for them. we respect that the child has a say about if, when, and how they will be handled.

****Davies, S. (2019). The Montessori Toddler: A Parent's Guide to Raising a Curious and Responsible Human Being. New York, NY: Workman Publishing Co., Inc.

[montessori] | give our child feedback (iii bookmark de "the montessori toddler" simone davies) OzSo 21:41

(instead of praise)

montessori teachers like to help children build their own sense of self, learn how to accept themselbes for whoe they are, and learn what feels good in the way they treat others.

(...)

montessori teachers believe instead htat a child will learn to behave if we help to debelop their intrinsic motivaiton—their internal radar that tells them that something is right (or wrong) and recognizes what helps (or hurts) themselves or someone else.

(...) when looking for alternatives, the best guide is to think about what we would say to another adult when giving them feedback.

1 & 2 describe what we see + sum it up with a word 

focus on the process rather than the product and describ ewhat our child has done.

"you packed your bag and are ready to go to the beach. now, that's what i call independence!"
"you helped your granma with her bag. now, that's what i call being thoughtful."
"you wiped up the water on the floor with the mop without me asking. that's what i call being resourceful."


3.describe how we feel


***


Davies, S. (2019). The Montessori Toddler: A Parent's Guide to Raising a Curious and Responsible Human Being. New York, NY: Workman Publishing Co., Inc.

[montessori] | encouraging curiosity in our child (ii bookmark de "the montessori toddler" simone davies) OzSo 21:27

FIVE INGREDIENTS FOR CURIOSITY

1. trust in the child

(...) trust that the child wants to learn and grow—and that the child intrinsically knows what they need to be working on to develop as they should. this means that if we provide them with a rich environment to explore, we don't need to force them to learn or be worried if they are developing "differently" from their peers.

2. a rich learning environment.

(...) does not have to be filled with expensive materials. explorations in nature can be totally free, dropping a chain or string into a cardboard tube can cost nothing, and sorting out some dried beans can cost very little.

what does our child's environment llok like—the physical, the social, even the adults aroundthem? does it provide them with rich opportunitites for exploration?

3. time

allow time to explore. allow time for movement. allow time for language and conversation. allow time for building connections. allow time for wonder and curiosity.

4. a safe and secure base

are there ways to show our child that we are there for them, even (and particularly) when they are having a hard time? are we able to look them in the eye and acknowledge the big feelings they are having about things that seem small to us? 

5. fostering a sense of wonder

*** following the child is not permissiveness, allowing them to do whatever they like. we will set limits when needed, ensuring the sagety and care of themselves, their environment, and others.

but it is not being directive either. when we hear ourselves giving commands, giving lessons, or giving too much information, may we remember, ah yes, how can i find a way to step back and let them lead?

[p. 105| allowing our child to be curious and giving them a sense of significance, belonging, and acceptance provides a solid foundation of connection and trust with our child something we will need to cultivate cooperationand when we have to set limits with them.

WITHOUT CONNECTION, WE GET VERY LITTLE COOPERATION; WITHOUT TRUST, SETTING LIMITS BECOMES DIFFICULT.

***** about offering help

rather than rushing in to help our toddler, we wait to see how much they can manage themselves.

"would you like me or someone else to help you do that?"

"would you like to see how i do it?"

"have you tried...?"

then we help only if they want it.

****** Davies, S. (2019). The Montessori Toddler: A Parent's Guide to Raising a Curious and Responsible Human Being. New York, NY: Workman Publishing Co., Inc.

[montessori] | how to show the child an activity (bookmark de "the montessori toddler" simone davies) OzSo 23:29

| how to show the child an activity |

Slow

Hands

Omit

Words

(...) if we explain with words at the same time, our toddler isn't sure whether to listen to us or watch us— so we stay quite so they can focus on our movements without words.

GENERAL PRINCIPLES TO KEEP IN MIND

1. let the child lead.

let them take the time to choose for themselfs rather than suggesting or leading the play.

2. let them work with the activity as long as they like.

ideally, we don't interrupt our child's deep focus. A simple comment from us can distract them from whatever they are working to master, and they may abandon the activity completely. wait until they look to us for feedback, step in to offer help when they are frustrated, or see that they have finished beofre we make a request (...).

3. avoid quizzing the child.

we may not realize we are doing it, but we are constantly quizzing our children. "what color is this?" "how many apples am i holding?" "can you show grandma how you can walk?"

(...) often i'd ask him to demonstrate some new skill or perform some new trick on cue. maybe to show off in some way. or maybe to push him to learn a little faster.

now i see that this prompting is a kind of test for a child. and there is generally only one correct answer, so if the answer they give is wrong, we have no other option than to say. "no, that flower is yellow, not blue." not exactly great for building a child's confidence.

instead we can continue to name things, ask questions to arouse curiosity, and use observation to see what the child has mastered and what they are still practicing.

now, the only time i will quiz a child is if i am 1000% sure they know the answer and will be excited to tell me. (...)

4. put the activity away when finished.

emphasize that there is a beginning, middle, and end to a task.

with young toddlers, we can first model where things belong and introduce putting things back as the last part of the activity. we can then start to work together with our child to bring things back to the shelf—they might carry one part and we carry the other. then we can scaffold onto this base by encouraging them to put it back by themselfs, for example, tappin gthe shelf where it belongs. gradually we will see them put things away more and more by themselves.

(...)

if they have moved on to the next activity, i do not generally break their concentration. isntead i put away the activity myself, modeling for the child what to do the next time.

5. model, model, model.

6.allow any use of the materials, but stop when they're used inappropriately.

if they are not harming the materials, themselves, or someone else, then there is no need to interrupt them.we could perhaps make a mental note to show them its purpose at another time.

(...) if the child is using the objects inappropriately, we may gently step in. [and redirect!]

7. modify to meet their level.

8. arrange the activities on shelves form easiest to hardest.

(...) from left to right if they find an activity too difficult, they can move back to the earlier activity.

9. use that is available

10. be careful with small parts and sharp objects.

we don't need to hover—yet we keep observing in a calm way to make sure they are using the items in a safe way.

HOW TO SET UP AN ACTIVITY

left to right, easiest to hardest along shelf. at child's height

1. display it on as shelf

2. make it attractive ---sometimes changing the tray can make it more appealing.

3. show what belongs together

4. prepare everything so our child can help themselves

5. undo the activity.

TIPS:

-put only as much as we want to clean up

-have cleaning supplies at the ready

-focus on the process, not the result. when the child helps, the task will take longer and the result may not look perfect, but the child is leaning to master these skills (..)

-look for ways the child can help.

***

Davies, S. (2019). The Montessori Toddler: A Parent's Guide to Raising a Curious and Responsible Human Being. New York, NY: Workman Publishing Co., Inc.