when a toddler has a tantrum, they are communicating that something did not go their way. they are having a hard time. they may have done something wrong, but right now, the first thing to do is help them calm down.

(...) we can offer them a cuddle; we don't assume that they want one. some children like to be cuddled to help them calm down. some children will push us away. if they push us away we make sure they are safe and we can offer them a cuddle when they are calm.

we are saying it's okay for them to melt down. rather than trying to get the tantrum to stop as soon as possible, allow them to express all their feelings safely until they are calm, and show that we are there to help if they need us. and, once they are calm, we can help make amends if needed.

should i ignore a tantrum?

[i don't agree] ignoring the tantrum directs our child's feelings at us instead of at the problem that upset them. it creates a conflict just when they need connection.

calm and kind acceptance encourages them to express their feelings. over time, they will find healthier forms of expression, but htey will not be scared to share their feelings with us because they will knwo that we are capable of being kind and calm even when they have feelings that are big and scary.

reconnecting once they are calm

"wow, was that difficult for you? you really didn't seem to like that. you looked furious."

helping them make amends — DON'T SKIP THIS STEP

restorative justice ("how can we make this better?") is preferable to punishment (taking something away).

UNDERSTAND TRIGGERS AND AVOID THEM IF POSSIBLE

frustration
anger or rage when things don't go their way
wanting to be in control
trouble communicating as their language may still be limited

HELP YOUR CHILD CALM DOWN

offer a cuddle—rub their back, hold them, sing to them as they go through the range of emotions, from anger to intense frustration to sadness and sometimes regret.

if they are throwing toys at their siblings or trying to hit you, remove them aso that everyone is safe. "i can't let you hit me. my safety is important to me. would you like to hit these pillows instead?"

(...) 

OBSERVING THE BEHAVIOUR

time
changes
activity
other children
emotion being expressed— just before it happens, how do they look? playful? frustrated? confused?
environment
adults— how do we respond? do we bring additional anxiety to the situation?


***

SKILLS FOR INTROVERTED TODDLERS

first of all accept them for who they are.

then, from this place of acceptance, we can see things from their perspective and offer understanding. acknowledge their feelings.

it can help to prepare them in advance for situations that might make them nervous by giving them an idea of what to expect.

if our child takes some time to warm up in social situations, allow them to stand by us and observe the scene until they are ready to join in. we don't need to give them any special attention or make it a big deal. we can carry on our adult conversation; the child will drift off once they are ready.

we can help our child build skills that will empower them, so that they don't feel like they cannot handle certain situations.

practicing in less confrontational situations, such as handing over the money in a shop or ordering a drink in a cafe. we will be there to support them if needed. "would you be able to say that a little louder? if looks liek the waiter can't hear you."

practicing easy phrases they can use to be assertive. for example, "stop. i don't like that."

showing them how to use their body language, such as putting their hands on their hips if someone has done something they don't like.


as adults, it is also useful to remember to check in with any child before we handle them, particularly if they are not our child. we can check with them before we give them a hug ("would you like a hug?" rahter thatn "give me a hug!"), tell a young toddler we are going to pick them up and get their consent before handling them, and ask if they'd like hep beofre we do something for them. we respect that the child has a say about if, when, and how they will be handled.

****Davies, S. (2019). The Montessori Toddler: A Parent's Guide to Raising a Curious and Responsible Human Being. New York, NY: Workman Publishing Co., Inc.