[montessori] | being the adult (v bookmark de "the montessori toddler" simone davies)

PRACTICE PRESENCE

[about] OBSERVATION

remove our judgment of the situation, which stops us from being triggered by our child's behaviour, and allows us to respond rather than react. (instead of "they are always dropping their bowl on the floor," we observe, "the bowl dropped onto the floor.")


really see our child objectively with fresh eyes.

be more present a notice more details about our child and the world around us

connect with our child as we see things from their perspective and gain a greater understanding of them.

if we are feeling wound up, we can grab a notebook and observe. if we have our hands full, we can try to observe without writing it down. stay away from analysis, and enjoy the present moment observing our child.

FILL OUR EMOTIONAL BUCKET AND OUR CHILD'S

SLOW DOWN

BE THE CHILD'S GUIDE

the biggest takeaway for me was realizing that my role as a parent is. not to rush in to solve every problem for my children. rather, we can be there to support them, be their sounding board, or be their safe place to release whatever frustrations they have had in their day.

a guide:

gives space for the child to work it out for themselves.
is available when needed
is respectful, kind, and clear.
will help a child take responsibility when needed
will provide a safe, rich environment to explore
listens
responds rather than reacts.

we don't need to be a boss giving them orders, directing them, or teaching them everything they need to learn. and we don't need to be their servant doing everything for them.

we can simply be their guide.

BE HONEST

our children learn more from watching us than from us telling them how to behave. so we want to model honesty with our children. we want them to learn that being truthful is an important value in our home. no white lies.


TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR LIFE AND CHOICES

we can also model accepting responsibility for our choices to our children, commenting out loud when we run into a frustrating problem. "the train is late again! i'm grateful to live in a city with public transportation, but i'm not feeling very patient today. next time we could leave earlier."

every time we say "should," we can think about whether it's important to us. otherwise we can be creative and change it. and for the things we cannot change, we can see these as opportunities to be creative.

LEARN FROM OUR MISTAKES

CELEBRATE WHERE WE ARE

we can be so busy trying to improve things that we forget to reflect on the present. i know that i forget to acknowledge and accept where i am right now while i am striving to learn more and be a better model for my child.

we often forget to say to ourselves, we are enough. we are doing our best.

i like to imagine that we are all full glasses of water. rather than looking to others to fill our galss— our partner, our children, our work—we are jull just as we are.

that gives me a huge sense of relief. it doesn't mean that i will stop learning and stop improving, but i feel okay with who i am today. the means i feel like i can be more to those in my life, including my children.

i also like to think of our toddlers as full glasses. they are doing the best they can in their little bodies where they are today. we can support them without being frustrated by them or angry with them.

SELF-AWARENESS

we need to recognize when our limits are about to be tested and find a way to assert our limits.

when we find ourselves being triggered, we can observe ourselves. are we taking on our child's problem? 


KEEP PRACTICING

"the child developing harmoniously and the adult improving himself at his side make a very exciting and attractive picture... this is the treasure we need today—helping the child become independent of us and make his way by himself and receiving in return his gifts of hope and light." —dra. maria montessori, education and peace.




***

Davies, S. (2019). The Montessori Toddler: A Parent's Guide to Raising a Curious and Responsible Human BeingNew York, NY: Workman Publishing Co., Inc.

[montessori] | dealing with tantrums (iv bookmark de "the montessori toddler" simone davies)

when a toddler has a tantrum, they are communicating that something did not go their way. they are having a hard time. they may have done something wrong, but right now, the first thing to do is help them calm down.

(...) we can offer them a cuddle; we don't assume that they want one. some children like to be cuddled to help them calm down. some children will push us away. if they push us away we make sure they are safe and we can offer them a cuddle when they are calm.

we are saying it's okay for them to melt down. rather than trying to get the tantrum to stop as soon as possible, allow them to express all their feelings safely until they are calm, and show that we are there to help if they need us. and, once they are calm, we can help make amends if needed.

should i ignore a tantrum?

[i don't agree] ignoring the tantrum directs our child's feelings at us instead of at the problem that upset them. it creates a conflict just when they need connection.

calm and kind acceptance encourages them to express their feelings. over time, they will find healthier forms of expression, but htey will not be scared to share their feelings with us because they will knwo that we are capable of being kind and calm even when they have feelings that are big and scary.

reconnecting once they are calm

"wow, was that difficult for you? you really didn't seem to like that. you looked furious."

helping them make amends — DON'T SKIP THIS STEP

restorative justice ("how can we make this better?") is preferable to punishment (taking something away).

UNDERSTAND TRIGGERS AND AVOID THEM IF POSSIBLE

frustration
anger or rage when things don't go their way
wanting to be in control
trouble communicating as their language may still be limited

HELP YOUR CHILD CALM DOWN

offer a cuddle—rub their back, hold them, sing to them as they go through the range of emotions, from anger to intense frustration to sadness and sometimes regret.

if they are throwing toys at their siblings or trying to hit you, remove them aso that everyone is safe. "i can't let you hit me. my safety is important to me. would you like to hit these pillows instead?"

(...) 

OBSERVING THE BEHAVIOUR

time
changes
activity
other children
emotion being expressed— just before it happens, how do they look? playful? frustrated? confused?
environment
adults— how do we respond? do we bring additional anxiety to the situation?


***

SKILLS FOR INTROVERTED TODDLERS

first of all accept them for who they are.

then, from this place of acceptance, we can see things from their perspective and offer understanding. acknowledge their feelings.

it can help to prepare them in advance for situations that might make them nervous by giving them an idea of what to expect.

if our child takes some time to warm up in social situations, allow them to stand by us and observe the scene until they are ready to join in. we don't need to give them any special attention or make it a big deal. we can carry on our adult conversation; the child will drift off once they are ready.

we can help our child build skills that will empower them, so that they don't feel like they cannot handle certain situations.

practicing in less confrontational situations, such as handing over the money in a shop or ordering a drink in a cafe. we will be there to support them if needed. "would you be able to say that a little louder? if looks liek the waiter can't hear you."

practicing easy phrases they can use to be assertive. for example, "stop. i don't like that."

showing them how to use their body language, such as putting their hands on their hips if someone has done something they don't like.


as adults, it is also useful to remember to check in with any child before we handle them, particularly if they are not our child. we can check with them before we give them a hug ("would you like a hug?" rahter thatn "give me a hug!"), tell a young toddler we are going to pick them up and get their consent before handling them, and ask if they'd like hep beofre we do something for them. we respect that the child has a say about if, when, and how they will be handled.

****Davies, S. (2019). The Montessori Toddler: A Parent's Guide to Raising a Curious and Responsible Human BeingNew York, NY: Workman Publishing Co., Inc.





[montessori] | give our child feedback (iii bookmark de "the montessori toddler" simone davies)

(instead of praise)

montessori teachers like to help children build their own sense of self, learn how to accept themselbes for whoe they are, and learn what feels good in the way they treat others.

(...)

montessori teachers believe instead htat a child will learn to behave if we help to debelop their intrinsic motivaiton—their internal radar that tells them that something is right (or wrong) and recognizes what helps (or hurts) themselves or someone else.

(...) when looking for alternatives, the best guide is to think about what we would say to another adult when giving them feedback.

1 & 2 describe what we see + sum it up with a word 

focus on the process rather than the product and describ ewhat our child has done.

"you packed your bag and are ready to go to the beach. now, that's what i call independence!"
"you helped your granma with her bag. now, that's what i call being thoughtful."
"you wiped up the water on the floor with the mop without me asking. that's what i call being resourceful."


3.describe how we feel


***


Davies, S. (2019). The Montessori Toddler: A Parent's Guide to Raising a Curious and Responsible Human BeingNew York, NY: Workman Publishing Co., Inc.


[montessori] | encouraging curiosity in our child (ii bookmark de "the montessori toddler" simone davies)

FIVE INGREDIENTS FOR CURIOSITY

1. trust in the child

(...) trust that the child wants to learn and grow—and that the child intrinsically knows what they need to be working on to develop as they should. this means that if we provide them with a rich environment to explore, we don't need to force them to learn or be worried if they are developing "differently" from their peers.

2. a rich learning environment.

(...) does not have to be filled with expensive materials. explorations in nature can be totally free, dropping a chain or string into a cardboard tube can cost nothing, and sorting out some dried beans can cost very little.

what does our child's environment llok like—the physical, the social, even the adults aroundthem? does it provide them with rich opportunitites for exploration?

3. time

allow time to explore. allow time for movement. allow time for language and conversation. allow time for building connections. allow time for wonder and curiosity.

4. a safe and secure base

are there ways to show our child that we are there for them, even (and particularly) when they are having a hard time? are we able to look them in the eye and acknowledge the big feelings they are having about things that seem small to us? 

5. fostering a sense of wonder

*** following the child is not permissiveness, allowing them to do whatever they like. we will set limits when needed, ensuring the sagety and care of themselves, their environment, and others.

but it is not being directive either. when we hear ourselves giving commands, giving lessons, or giving too much information, may we remember, ah yes, how can i find a way to step back and let them lead?

[p. 105| allowing our child to be curious and giving them a sense of significance, belonging, and acceptance provides a solid foundation of connection and trust with our child something we will need to cultivate cooperationand when we have to set limits with them.

WITHOUT CONNECTION, WE GET VERY LITTLE COOPERATION; WITHOUT TRUST, SETTING LIMITS BECOMES DIFFICULT.

***** about offering help

rather than rushing in to help our toddler, we wait to see how much they can manage themselves.

"would you like me or someone else to help you do that?"
"would you like to see how i do it?"
"have you tried...?"

then we help only if they want it.

****** Davies, S. (2019). The Montessori Toddler: A Parent's Guide to Raising a Curious and Responsible Human BeingNew York, NY: Workman Publishing Co., Inc.


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